For weeks I have been wanting to post here about the journey I am currently on. So now I'm going to do it, probably in a series of posts over the next months as the journey continues.
At the age of 13, I became a born-again, water-baptized, spirit-filled Christian - a believer in God and a follower of His Son, Jesus. That tag has been my core identity, in one way or another, since that time. But that's no longer a core truth in my life--and may not even be a truth at all.
I'm not sure I have a tag to describe what I'd call me right now. Agnostic is probably the closest, but even that doesn't cover it - there's no easy label for what you become when your faith life falls apart and you find yourself adrift on a sea of existential doubt, despair and confusion. I've learnt that this is a well-documented process however and I'm far from the first person to have undertaken this particular journey, which btw, has a name.
It's called Deconversion.
Conversion, I read in a scholarly article somewhere online, is usually a sudden, rapid, emotional transformation. Deconversion, however, is a long, slow cognitive process, which is exactly what it's been for me. I have no idea where the journey will end, no specific goal or destination in sight except to find out the Truth about what we think of as "God" for myself, as best I can. So far, its been heartbreaking, challenging, scary, difficult and very, very lonely. But once you set foot on the road, there's no turning back--you can't undo the thoughts that have been thought, the books that have been read, the online conversations that have been held.
And some of those online conversations have become a lifeline of hope in my sea of despair! In particular, I'm relishing the conversation at Julie Unplugged (Falling Away From Faith series of posts).
I've also been reading a lot:
A History of God, by Karen Armstrong.
Leaving the Fold, by Marlene Winnell.
From Missionary Bible Translator to Agnostic, by Ken Daniels (which was one of the first things I read that helped me realize I truly wasn't mad, heretical, backslidden, unhinged or any of the above)
TBC.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Hello, I found you thru JulieUnplugged.
I just wanted to say that I so relate to what you're going through. It took about three years of relentless study and constant agonizing for me to move from being an orthodox Christian to what I call myself today, a spiritual agnostic.
My deconversion was very painful and yet very enlightening. I have no regrets.
Thanks for dropping by.
So many have said that same thing, that they would never go back, that they don't regret deconverting and that at last, they can stop living life as a square peg trying to squash itself into a round hole!
I have to say, though, that at this stage of my journey, I'm still carrying a lot of emotional baggage around the 'What If I'm Wrong?' question....
I hear you. There is so much I don't know! I may believe I'm right today, only to learn something tomorrow that will prove me wrong. :)
So, my goal is to just stay open and honest--with myself, with others, and with any information I come across. And not worry so much if I'm right or not.
This has helped me relax a bit (though, not always!).
Post a Comment