Last week, Infuze Magazine ran an interview with John Eldredge who is the founder of Ransomed Heart Ministries in Colorado Springs and the author of several books, such as Epic, Wild At Heart and Journey of Desire. Overall, he has sold over six million books.

He writes well, poetically and with passion, insight and (I guess) the truth as he knows it. I've read many of them... His site says very clearly that they do not do one-on-one counselling but they do encourage people to send them emails called "My Story' which they share with the staff to encourage them.... well, in response to his article, I sent them a 'My Story' email. I don't expect to hear back from them.

In many ways, this email is the continuation of a (long ago) post I made in this blog called Open Letter to God.

Dear RHMinistries,

In 2004, I read John Eldredge's first two books and found them deeply moving and inspirational. When I read the interview in InFuze Magazine last week, I was reminded of that. But, I'm getting ahead of myself ....

In brief, I was born again at 13, baptized at 14, filled with the Spirit at 15. After some spiritual ups and downs, I recommitted to the Lord at 23, went back to church where I met and married my husband at 25. Two children and ten years later, we divorced. Again, a few very bumpy years accompanied by a severe illness, financial reverses and much emotional distress until 1998 I said to God, I have no where else to go, I have very little trust left in either You or your people but I'm going to give Christianity one last shot. Slowly life turned around and I made a new start at age 40 in terms of my health, where I lived, the work I did, the church I attended, my relationship with God, everything. Even though I was still single, life was very good.

Throughout my life, rejection from men has been a constant. From an emotionally absent father (who wanted a son and got me instead), through some teen and twenties relationships that were unhealthy, to a marriage that ended in divorce and two post-divorce relationships which were both brief and disastrous, my experience of being nurtured, cherished and desired by men has basically been non-existent. So when I came back to God at age 40, I looked at this. Over the next few years, I read a lot - Jeanne Guyon, Larry Crabb, Richard Foster, John Eldredge amongst others - and I reached the point of understanding and embracing the truth that no relationship, no matter how wonderful or full of good things, will ever fully meet my deepest yearnings to be loved, valued, cherished and nurtured. I needed to look to God for that fulfilment, needed to keep Him at the centre of my life. According to Larry Crabb, God allows our most cherished dreams to be shattered so that we might find our highest good, our deepest fulfilment in Him, in a personal, experiential relationship with Himself - which is what He created us for. Yes, I said, I can see that and I accept that.

Ceremonially one day, I took time off to go to the beach where I collected a bunch of small rocks, each representing some aspect of my life that held a dream - career, children, creativity, love ... and threw each one out into the ocean, releasing everything I had ever hoped for and dreamed of finding, into God's hands. And as a result, my yearning for God himself grew deeper and deeper. I longed for Him, for His presence with a longing that almost hurt, it was so intense. When things got rough, and my heart was sore, I turned to Him, affirming my commitment time and time again. The love I felt for Him was greater by far than the love I felt for anything else. And 'feeling' love for God was an area that I had struggled with in the past, so this was a 'big thing' for me.

But as time went by, I became aware that each time I sought God, the only one at the party was - me. In my spirit, when I reached out for God, all I could 'see' was the granite of His back - hard, silent, unyielding. This went on for weeks, months. Until one day, in the depths of my need and my distress, I fell on my face (in the upstairs hallway of my house), buried my nose in the carpet and literally cried my heart out at His feet, begging and pleading with Him to meet me, to touch me, to comfort me... to love me. Somehow. Anyhow. I have never forgotten that day, its like a brand burned into my flesh.

Because in my moment of deepest need, God did nothing.

Why? I don't know. Here I am, nearly two years later, still with nothing from Him. This wound is very deep, far deeper than any other rejection. I don't know how it will ever be mended. I don't even know if I can really call myself a Christian any more. All I know is that God was and is silent. I continue to cry for Him at times, but am aware that disillusionment and cynicism are layering over that wound, stopping it from bleeding out all over the place. I keep it hidden when my daughter shares her joy in worshipping God, when my son tells me he got closer to God at the church camp. I smile at them, hug them and say nothing that might be destructive to their spiritual growth.

But I don't attend church anymore - it would be dishonesty of the worst kind to go through the motions of worship when my heart is cold and sad and tired. I'm not stupid, (IQ of 140), I'm not unattractive, I'm not emotionally unintelligent, and I'm not psychiatrically disturbed. I'm self-employed, creative, honest, empathic, care about my friends, and love my children very much. But nowdays I find it very hard to imagine really loving anyone else, let alone making myself vulnerable to God again. I have spoken of this with very few people as, quite honestly, they don't know what to say.

So, the reason for this letter is that when I read your interview in Infuze Magazine last week, I really wanted to let you know that despite what you say, not every Christian who desires a deep walk with God actually finds it.

Thank you for reading this.

Elleann