Open letter to God.

I can lose myself in writing, or in reading, or in watching a DVD, in emailing with friends, or in endless, fascinating web-surfing … I can talk about moving to America or not moving, I can talk about great new job opportunities, I can talk about my wonderful kids and my hopes for them, but none of this addresses the real questions that are buried deep in my heart at the moment.

Is God really real?

Does He actually care about us individually?

And if so, is there anyway to really, really, REALLY hear from him?

I have such skepticism about this right now, such doubt, and such a need to KNOW!

I had an experience several years ago (Oct 2003, to be exact) where I ‘thought’ I heard God speak to me. Now, I’m definitely not given to mystical experiences. I don’t hear voices or see visions. I have, like many others, done my time on my knees with the Bible open before, seeking guidance or at least a ‘word’ from God. I’ve even opened the Bible at random and stuck a finger in! What a joke!

Once before, I believed I ‘heard’ God speaking to me. Back in 1984, I was a shy, unconfident twenty-something, with a track record of few romantic relationships. I’d made a recommitment to Christianity and found my way to a nice church. I met a nice enough guy, we went out a few times, he seemed interested, but I didn’t really know … then in church one Sunday night, this ‘voice’ sounds in my head: “You have met your future husband and he is XXXX.”  Zing!

I married that guy within 6 months and divorced him ten years later. Now, did I marry him because I was madly in love, or because I saw a good father for my future children, or because I couldn’t live without him? No, no and no. More like I was afraid of never marrying at all, several of my friends were also getting married, here was someone who was interested enough to propose (albeit not very romantically), and I believed God had told me he was to be my husband.

So, jump forward to 2003. Single again, I’d just read a brilliant, brilliant book by Larry Crabb called Shattered Dreams and had walked thru an experience of truly accepting that if God intended for me to stay alone forever more, that was fine with me.  I would look to Him to meet all my needs for love, nurturing, provision, and so. After all, doesn’t He promise in the Bible to care for widows and orphans (and presumably divorcees too)? In fact, it was a time in my life when I was deeply, deeply in love with God

So, I’m driving my daughter somewhere and we see a procession of wedding cars go by, festooned with ribbons and whatnot. My usual, cynical, knee-jerk reaction kicked in:

        Poor things! Such optimism, such hope, such fools to believe it can work out!
Next thing, I ‘hear’ somewhere inside me: “By this time next year, you will be married again.” Zing! Just like that, a promise, I thought, from God. I was a turbulent mix of emotions, but above all, my response was “ … only if this is Your will for me, Lord.”

I diarized the date, recorded the experience, sought confirmation in a sign, was given that sign the same day—and then I waited, with the prayer continually on my lips that God would enable me to continue looking to Him first, not to some guy I had yet to meet. I really focused on keeping God first, in seeking Him in all things. I even shared it with my minister’s wife, who said that God had told her that he was answering my prayer for remarriage in the affirmative.

Well, the year came and went, and another one, and another one … and I’m not married. At this point, I don’t even know any eligible, available men that I’d want to marry.

So, what do I make of that? Was it God? If so, did He change his mind? Was it a test of my faith to see if I will still trust in God even if He appears to be breaking His promise to me? Or did He answer my prayer by NOT letting it happen because it wasn’t His will and he wanted to see if I meant what I said by “… only if its Your will? Was it not God at all, but the Devil, attempting to deceive me? Or was it just me, indulging in some heavy wishful thinking and God had absolutely nothing to do with it?

How the heck can I ever know? All I DO know, for an absolute fact, is that nowadays I am deeply mistrustful of ‘words from God’, whether they come into my head or thru someone else’s lips.

Tbc

Elleann